Crikey- Trick or Treat!!

Whether you were/are a fan of Steve "the crocodile hunter" Irwin or not, the fact of the matter is 2 kids lost their dad and millions of kids around the world lost a hero. I personally thought he was great but I am aware that plenty of people thought he was a big fucking wanker, whatever.

I think it is very poor form that there are already Irwin Halloween costumes complete with bloody stingray barb less than 2 months after his death. Purely for the fact that it will upset the little kiddies. I love inappropriate jokes more than anyone, but fuck, even I have my limits, and when there is an 8 year old girl and a 3 year old boy still coming to terms with the loss of their father I think it's just a cunt's act.

Today's Hollywood divorce

It was with much jubilation today that I discovered Hollywood's all american sweethearts Ryan and Reese are finally splitting up. I've been hanging out for this one for a long time.
Poor Ryan, what has he done since Studio 54 anyway? Aside from stand in the wings and watching his wife's career as he enjoyed the lead role as Mr Mom. And that over the top enthusiasm by him at the Oscars came across more like "Fuck you damn bitch and your cunting Oscar" than "Yeah baby, you go girl, I love you!!"

I look forward to hearing all about him running amok at the Playboy Mansion over the cumming weeks.

PS. Yes I know they have 2 kids and that is awful for them

Idol-ARIA Whore of Fame

Ok, so we aleady knew the song choices. From worst to best

5. Dean. Not surprisingly this sucked balls. What a fucking twat. It was a half assed boring piece of shit. He has the looks but they will only get him so far. Oh well, see ya later virgin.

4. Ricky. This wasn't bad per say, (aside from that last note, what was that all about?) it just didn't hold my attention. This guy should've been given the arse weeks ago. Sadly, after Dean's cock up we will be stuck with this little wog for another week.

3. Chris. This was much better than I expected. I don't hate this guy at all but I would've much preferred this performance if I was sitting in a pub with a pint and a band behind him (a band that does NOT include John Formeman). He did "rock da house" or whatever the fuck Marcia said, no doubt words to that effect.

2. Damien. I thought the instrument thing was a one off, but both Chris and Paddy played guitar and piano respectively. Is this a permanent thing???? Anyway, the little leprechaun managed to make Message to my girl his own and didn't at all make me think he was tring to do a karaoke version of the original.

1. Jess. I love this little poppet. Fabulous. And apparently now that Lisa is gone, who was the "best thing to come out of this country musically," (presumably because she has a gee-tar) "Jess is the best thing to come out of this country vocally" (ie because she is sans gee-tar). Shut the fuck up Kyle. Moron.

Standout performances of the night go to some nutjob old lady in the audience who was just going crazy during every performance.

And of course Marcia, "Talk to the hand Mark!"

And that's all I have to say. Well done.

How to Cruise your way to an Academy Award

It would seem that once one is dumped by L. Ron Hubbard's favourite bitch, Tom Cruise, it inspires one to give the acting performance of one's career.

Shortly after "our" Nic's contract was terminated by her wacky ex she was twice nominated for a little gold statuette, winning with that witchy poo nose she adorned in The Hours.

Now it would seem that another one of Tom's exes, Penelope Cruz (aka the poor man's Salma Hayek) has given a kick arse performance in her latest flick Volver. (I cannot wait for the obvious porn version , Vulva.). The words "oscar" and "buzz" are being spat out left and right.

Well, good luck to her, but this all begs the question, when Katie Holmes' ride is over, will she too deliver acting gold? I mean not to say that Joey Potter wasn't sheer acting brilliance.....
What was with that annoying cunty crooked smile thing she used to do anyway?

Idol preview

The Australian Idol site likes to get us all wet with excitement in anticipation of what the contestants will be singing each week and so let us know their song choices a few days in advance. (basically this is instead of that waste of an hour of tv known as Inside Idol)

So this week's theme is ARIA hall of famers. WTF? With the line:

"It’s quite possible that Chris, Damien, Jess, Dean or Ricky could forge an outstanding career and become a future member of the ARIA Hall of Fame." (but not fucking likely)

Chris will be singing Evie Part 1. Meh. Sounds pretty safe to me.

Paddy is going to do Message to my girl. I fucking love this song so I really hope he doesn't destroy it.

Virgin boy is pulling out the Farnsy v Human Nature Everytime you cry. Why? What a cunty song choice, really.

Jess is doing the Bee Gees Words, no doubt it was recently covered by Brandy.
.
And Wog boy is also gettin disco and is doing To love somebody. It is so time for him to go. Can't we have a Big Brother style double eviction and fuck him and Chris off?

All in all sounds like a fabulously bland evening ahead.

Kerry #2

So Tv Week this week....

First of all Neighbours.....Skye finally gives birth...though, I think this would have to be the shortest pregancy in history, even taking into account she goes into premature labour. And wouldn't you know it, she has a girl and names her after her duck activist mum, Kerry. Awwww. Gee, that was like totally not predictable at all.

Nothing however could prepare me for the real horror (yes there was something worse than looking at pictures of Stephanie McIntosh acting out labour) was the picture of Kyle Sandlilands and his lady (and I use that term the same way I refer to Ru Paul as a lady) and an interview about their engagement. I don't know who is more full of shit, him or her, but when asked why he proposed now, his response was:

She's been away a lot over the past yeae-in LA- and I just thought now is the time. Plus (Rock Star:Supernova host) Dave Navarro was sniffing around her, so I had to put my foot on the gas.

Hahahahaha. Yeah I mean of course Navarro would want some z grade (not even) celebrity from Australia. I mean coming from being married to Carmen fucking Electra, of course the next best thing would be Tamara Jaber.
Last I heard he was dating Jenna Jamieson . I can only imagine what a tough decision it was, hmmm, Tamara "ooh ah I lost my bra, but that's ok I don't really need one anyway" Jaber or world's hottest fucking porn star. Yeah major dilemmas.

And finally, I fucking love SBS. Next Friday's (Nov 3) must see TV is simply titled "Slut". Already I want to watch. This show apparently "examines the origin of the word 'slut'and traces its evolutuion". Brilliant.

Idol- stupidest theme ever week

Rock songs being sung swing style, sounds fucking crap in theory, and guess what, it's even crappier in reality.

6. By far the worst was not surprisingly Lisa despite Mark's borderline paedo love for her. Her voice is so fucking annoying. She spoke most of the song which was even more annoying, and quite frankly Kyle was right in calling it elevator music, though i think even that is being way too nice. and this sitting down thing is getting very old. And once again she complained that it wasn't her style. Boring, yes Lisa we know you are one dimensional.

5. Chris. AC/DC swing style??? This theme is so fucking gay! It was like being at a wedding. And I really needed to see that his fat brother Courtney is now even fatter.

4. Ricky. God this was so YTT meets Jaanz. Really camp but in a really embarrasing way. He needs to go. But not before Lisa.

3. Jessica. Poor thing, this was a total fucking balls up. It just didn't work at all. But at least when she said it wasn't her style she noted that that was a good thing and a challenge. The best thing about it was afterwards when Marcia made reference to "chopping up".

2. Paddy. He did Radiohead swing style, and though boyfriend cannot move to save himself he sang really well.

1. The hot Christian, Dean did Mustang Selly, and is really the only one who knows how to perform. Holden was on drugs tonight as he totally bagged it out, which didn't really make much sense to me.

Anyway, I can only hope Lisa finally fucks off back to Albury this week.

Partygirls

I caught some of Girlband's clip on Video Hits or So Fresh or whatever the fuck these shows are called. Yes, who the hell are Girlband? Well, from what I can gather and remember from snipets I've read, it is a bunch of chicks who also have a reality show about their meteoric rise to the top...which i think ended up being about #43 on the acharts. And the show is hosted by Izzy Hoyland.

Anyway, having watched the clip and seen these Supre chicks do their thang, it's clear that whoever is beind them is trying desperately to create an australian Girls Aloud....not even fucking close losers.

What I found most amusing in their song, Party Girl, was that the writer has clearly never been out of the country, as one line went something like "....springtime in Paris (let's rip off Janet Jackson's Runaway for starters) and New York in the middle of summer" Both references are supposedly things a 'party girl' does.

Now any reatrd knows that there is nothing fun and girly about sweating like a bitch in the middle of Manhattan in July. Everyone gets off the island and heads to the beach or Europe or wherever.

Yes it's just a pop song blah blah blah, but that just really pissed me off.

Too hot to die

Bit late on the TV Week news.

Firstly, anyone who has been watching Home and Away this week (ie me and a bunch of pre teenies, whatever) will know that Detective Baker is well and truly back.
In a nutshell, he was put in witness protection, Jack got someone else's liver but one of the doctors was in on the whole thing so that's how they "convinced" us Peter was gone. Anyway, he was in witness protection because Summer Bay's own Tony Soprano wanted to pop a cap in his arse. Tony found out Peter was alive and started harrassing Drew to get Peter to come out of hiding. This worked and just when he was about to kill him, being the superhero that he is, the detective over powered him and shot the baddie. Hooray. Appparently this means Peter is safe now because in the Summer Bay mob if you kill the top guy noone else will come after you. Cool.

So this all leads me to TV Week's TV Barometer which has Peter's resurrection in the 'hot' section with the caption, "we always thought he was too hot to die". While I of course agree with this.... it is very reminiscent of the ourpourring of grief for our Delta/Kylie when they were diagnosed with cancer. "Oh but she's too beautiful to have cancer."
Jesus, won't someone speak up for the ugly cunts. Surely they don't deserve disease and death.

This week's "child star" is fucking gold:

I named my daughter Krystal after Krystle Carrington on Dynasty, so imagine my surprise to find out her best friend, Blake, had been named after Blake Carrington, Krystle's husband on Dynasty!

Fucking bogans.

And it looks like Idol's token wog Ricky Muscat is in fact aspiring to be the next Dan O'Connor. According to Pete Timbs, Ricky ..wouldn't knock back a gig on Neighbours! "Ultimately, I want a recording deal, but I'd be happy to do anything, really, whether it's acting, radio...anything in the entertainment industry. I just want to get out of my old factory job....."
That's enough reason to vote him out (like the fact that he sucks balls wasn't enough), he just wants to be some fame whore.

Anyhoo, nothing much more in there.

I see dead people....but it could just be the dope man.

How did I miss this? Hayley Joel Osment arrested for drink driving and having pot?? We all love it when child stars get all coked up and stuff, it's so annoying when they go all Kirk Cameron born again. ( Though, as in Kirk's case, this can also be highly entertaining).

Anyway, that is definitely an AA meeting I would love to attend.

All you need is love

Oooo, isn't the McCartney divorce getting fabulously nasty. Now Heather "gold-digger" Mills is claiming to have been bashed by Sir Paul. By far the best alleged quote being that she wasn't allowed to breastfeed because Paul said they were his tatas.
Now who really knows what to believe in this whole mess. We all knew it was doomed from the beginning, she really was just a $2 shop Linda look-a-like, minus a few limbs.
And he would now have to go down as the dumbest cunt in history. Who the fuck gets married without a pre-nup when they are worth $2 billion??!!! Moron.

Song of the year

Oh. My. Fucking. God. Possibly the best thing I have heard all year.... Peter Andre and wife Jordon have recorded a duet, a cover of that song from Aladdin, 'A whole new world'. That idea alone is brilliant, but nothing, and I mean nothing could prepare anyone for the actual vocals. I really cannot believe my ears.

However according to the Sydney Confidential:

....a spokeswoman for Jordan - whose voice is a whole new world of pain to listen to - said yesterday the recording doing industry rounds was a fake. "It is a spoof and we have made our legal team aware of it,'' her spokeswoman Nicola Partridge said. The couple is rumoured to be recording the song for release on a Christmas covers album. Let's hope this isn't what ends up under the Christmas tree.

Enjoy the sweet sweet sounds.

Material Girl

I find this whole Madonna adoption thing quite fascinating. Not the fact that she has adopted an African child but moreso the reaction of the press. What is the big fucking deal??? On the BBC website they pose the question, "Are celebrities right to adopt children from poor countries?"

Nah fuckin leave them there in their poverty AIDS ridden squalor I say. How dare people like Madonna and Brangelina take these kids to countries where water is safe to drink and where contracting AIDS isn't like getting the common cold.

Fancy having the audacity to give these kids a roof over their heads, food on their table (hell, fancy giving them a table in the first place!) and a life of opportunity they would never have otherwise had.

It's just deplorable.

Buffy does Dallas?

God love Sarah Michelle Geller. Possibly the best thing she has ever ever said, in regards to her latest movie, Southland Tales, in which she plays a porn star:

"When you look at me you just think - porn star! It’s like a calling really!"

Yes Buffy it really is, so please please please, make us some porn!!! But none of this home movie Pam and Tommy stuff with Freddy Prinze, some classic pool boy meets housewife action.

Lindsay 4 Keira 4 eva

The news that has got me mo(i)st excited in the most inappropriate way is that everyone's favourite party girl, Lindsay Lohan, is going to be doing some lippy lezbo action with Keira Knigtley!! No doubt it will all be a bit of an anti-climax (pun intended).
Apparently it is a film that Keira's mother wrote the screenplay for.

Mel B wants to party all the time

What. The. Fuck? Scary Spice is set to marry Eddie Murphy. Perhaps I am totally out of the loop (what loop these 2 are in though I'm not quite sure) but how in god's name did these 2 find each other???? Is it a joke? Surely.

One-time Scary Spice Mel, 31, and the funnyman film star, 45, have decided to make the commitment to each other after a four-month whirlwind romance, says the Daily Star.
Cynics originally argued the unlikely coupling was just a publicity stunt.

However, the couple have recently been spotted out looking very loved-up and within weeks of meeting they apparently had tattoos of each other's names.

According to this article they were introduced by friends. I am dumbfounded.


****update*** According to various news sources, Scary is with child, or perhaps children as twins supposedly runs in Eddie's family!

Rudebox

I am stunned to hear these words come out of my mouth, but I fucking love Robbie's new album. I could not for the life of me understand how Popjustice kept raving about it but fuck me, it really is that good!
Well, discounting of course the first single, and well, yes the second one, and the bonus track is a bit pants..... but other than that, me loves it.

Giddy up!!!

It's with squeals of delight that I have just discovered, via MSN news, that not only is Australia going to be getting The House of Carters on E!, (starting Nov 4) but the boys are coming down under (insert lude pun here) to promote it and basically run amok at the races! Fucking brilliant!!! Nothing this exciting has happened at spring racing since the Hilton sisters skanked about in 2003 and Paris had her way with Millsy.
Which begs the question, will the Carter bros find their way to this year's Idols?!! One can only hope.

So November 3 is the day to circle on your calendars.

Nick, who toured Australia with the Backstreet Boys in January, said the brothers were looking to find love. (ie. pussy)
"Australian girls are known to be the most beautiful (easy?) in the world," Nick said.
"Just look at Elle Macpherson! We can't wait to get down there."

The truth about pop

I love quizes and surveys and other such fabulous time wasting activities. So I can highly recommend doing this poptastic survey for Popjustice.
And if you're wondering what kind of questions you'll be asked, here are some examples:

29. Would you rather rim Justin Hawkins or listen to the second Darkness album?

41. Is Madonna right to continue riding horses?

48. Should Robbie Williams rejoin Take That?

62. Will Beyonce ever make a record better than 'Crazy In Love'?

63. Should Bono be shot?

Idol-guitar week

This is supposedly the week when we get to see the amazing versatility our idols have....instead some of them just perform with a guitar. Wow!!

It was probably the best week of this series....but I guess that's not really saying much.

From worst to best

7. Ricky. Jesus , he is as good as gone. I was annoyed from the get go, as I always am whenever anyone decides to sing a Robbie song, but this was fucking rank. Kyle reckons (cos he's like best friends with Robbie and all) that if Robbie saw that he would piss himself laughing. Perhaps he would, but what I think he would find even more amusing is that this dumbass thinks they are friends. How embarrassing.

6.Chris. Fucking boring. I was bored out of my mind immediately. Utter crap. Gee, wow, what a come back from being in the bottom 2. And all Marcia had to say was how good the orchestra was. Ha ha ha!!

5. Lisa. Well the moment we were all waiting for (ha), fucking one trick pony Lisa is still annoying. Get rid of her. Yawn. I perhaps wouldn't mind her if she was shoved in the corner of some cafe while I enjoyed a decaf skinny soy moccafrappelattecino...actually no she'd still piss me off.

4.Bobby. What a fucking tool, sing something you know moron! Whatever, he's still good. What was with the lightening montage behind him? Wrong Fleetwood Mac song.

3. Jessica. More Brandy, god. Wasn't her best performance but she's still pretty flawless and will no doubt be in the final 2.

2. Dean. This was a bit too middle-of-the-road Christian rock meets Nikelback for me, but the teeny boppers will love it and quite frankly he is the only one with any real "x" factor. I hope he wins, it would be nice to have a decent looking idol for once.

1.Damien. This cunt is so fucking lucky to still be in this after the abortion of last week. And lucky for him he does a stellar job this week.

Speaking of jobs, what the fuck was with all the fellatio jokes tonight?? Jokes about Kyle being blown by Bobby and then virgin boy after asking him to get his gear off. And then the announcement of his pending nuptials to Scandalarse Tamara. It was just all too much.

Deal or no deal?

You know how parents always say how there is no amount of money that could replace their children....
Well, not for Wacko Jacko's ex, Debbie Rowe. Apparently $1 million a year will do the trick for her.

Rowe's lawyer confirmed last month that the couple had settled their lengthy legal battle over custody and visiting Prince Michael, nine, and Paris, eight, but no details of the terms were released.

Showbiz magazine US Weekly reported this week that according to a source close to Jackson, Rowe had opted for the cash payments.
"Michael is satisfied with the results, and I believe Ms Rowe is satisfied," Jackson's lawyer, Michael Abrams, told the magazine.

Last month Rowe's lawyer, Marta Almli, said: "We're still dealing with the details but it addresses all of the disputes between the parties."
The settlement would have been unlikely if it was not "appealing" to both parties, she added.

I have no words.

Tattoo = Childbirth

Token islander contestant on this year's Australian Idol, Lavina Williams, is apparently gittin bisy with her man trying to procriate, and thinks that her falling pregnant is something for the record books...I'm not quite sure why.

"We've been trying for a while but hopefully we'll be pregnant by the (Idol) final,'' Williams revealed to Confidential yesterday. "It would make history and I would love that. We are ready to have a little wee one in our lives and we are trying now.''

But what was "rilly ixcillent" and "choice bro" about this whole story was her thoughts on labour pain:

"(Moses) wants to tattoo our faces on his chest and if I have to go through childbirth, it only seems fair. (The pain is) pretty equal.''

Bahahahahahaha!!!!! Bitch you are in for a rude fuckin surprise when you start pushin that sprog out.

Stop the press....Casey update

Well in my search for Casey Donovan pictures I came across this article from The Daily Telegraph. It would appear that Australia's favourite fattie is infact trying to shed some kilos, but noone wants to help.....

AUSTRALIAN Idol winner Casey Donovan approached Channel Ten to become a part of the upcoming series of The Biggest Loser - but it appears the network has turned the singer down.

Poor thing, she clearly needs help as she has absolutely no fucking idea what to do when it comes to weight loss. Her idea of exercise:

"She's snorkelling on a regular basis, she was bowling last night and had a game of golf last week - we're getting there slowly.''

1. Snorkelling- hmmm...insert whale joke here
2. Bowling- no doubt that game came with a side order of burger and fries
3. Golf- meh, yes there is a lot of walking involved but unless she is playing 18 holes a day.....

Anyway, all jokes aside, her obesity is quite serious and I sincerely wish her all the best in her efforts to improve her health.

Choose life!

Holy fuck. I just caught a glimpse of Casey Donovan at the Kids Choice Awards....how is it possible that she is fatter?? Seriously, she gets bigger and bigger everytime I see her. I saw a shot from the back...and thought it was her front! And this bullshit of she's proud to be a big girl and not stick thin, blah blah blah. When the fuck did being morbidly obese become something to be proud of?!! It certainly didn't do anything for Ricky May and John Candy did it. Girlfriend is on a one way train to heart attack central.
Lose some fucking weight bitch!

The final Kountdown

With only 28 days til "our" "brave" Kylie launches herself into another spectacularly glittery tour, I thought it only apt (and probably pretty fucking tragic) to compile a list of songs I hope she will be performing at her home coming.

1. Glad to be alive. Certainly this Locomtion B side is most appropriate and would be a fabulous opener....no? Bad taste? Whatever.
I guess "life's so hard" has a bit more meaning to Ms Minogue now than needing "something new to wear, like a brand new hat"

2. Kids. For the Melbourne show on Saturday 16th December, all are hoping Robbie (assuming he doesn't cancel his Australian leg of the tour) will join Kylie on stage for this one, as this night is I think the only one he is available. Unless of course she does his show on Monday 18th.

3. GBI. Actually not sure if this would work live, but seeing Kylie running around the audience in a kimono would be fun. "Hello?"

4. Where is the Feeling? One of her best songs ever. (Actually anything from the white album or any song from that '94-'95 period would be brilliant)

5. Got to be Certain. But only if she digs out the red dress and black knee high socks.

6. Especially For You. Jason's in town isn't he? Come on, for old time's sake.

7. Enjoy Yourself.

8. Love at first sight (from the first album) somehow mixed in with the 2002 one. ??

9. Anything from Impossible Princess (her best album ever)

10. Je ne sais pas pourquoi.

11. Butterfly. Just about the only decent track to come off Light Years.

12. Made in heaven

13. Let's get to it

14. One Boy Girl


and ps. Dannii as support act please.

And the songs we could really do without:

1. Kids, sans Robbie. Both of them seem to love doing this live with whatever backup singers they have on hand and it sucks balls every time.

2. On a Night Like This. Austereo listeners love this Kylie period, mainly because they are not aware that she released anything in between Better the devil and Spinning around, but I could do without this song.

3. Spinning Around (see above)

4. Please stay (again, see above)

5. Can't get you outta my head. I know, I know how could I suggest she not sing this. Yes it's a crowd pleaser, the Better the Devil for the new millenium if you will, but i'm just so fucking over this song.

6. Celebration. Kylie, this is not Idol

Open wide, come inside

Is there anything more inappropriate than smutty inuendo on kids' shows? And I'm not talking about The Simpsons, I mean actual childrens' shows for children.
I caught a bit of Bear in the Big Blue House the other day, (though it is more like Bear in the Big Pink House, but that's another story) and 2 of his little friends were playing some game and decided to give each other some "cute" nicknames.....namely, Purple Ranger and Clam Digger!!!!!!!

Somewhere I have an extensive list that fetaures these 2 names but i can assure you it is not a list that I would hope the writers of a kiddies show use for inspiration!

Big Mistake?

It would seem Natalie Imbruglia has a little sister, Laura, who is apparently releasing an album. What the fuck? I'm just listening to some of it from
her website, and though not particularly my cup of tea, it is apparently quite a good album.
I'm more intrigued however as to where she has popped up from. Has she been around for years, living in the shadow of Mrs Silverchair?
Further investigation (ie. a quick goooooooogle search) and I find she obvisoulsy has a myspace site which tells us:

'It Makes A Crunchy Noise' will be the debut EP for Laura. This Imbruglia doesn't sound anything like her big sisters pop pieces. We are talking indie rock here. She describes her sounds as "quirky electro-clash punk folk rock/pop on an acoustic guitar, Without the electro-clash part".

Well good luck to her. I just hope she doesn't try too hard to separate herself from Natalie by reminding us at every opportunity how rock she is man.

Mel loves trouble

I was watching Entertainment Tonight this afternoon, and it was all about eveyone's favourite anti-Semite, Mel Gibson (who I have noticed Americans are no longer claiming as their own) and that Diane Sawyer "exclusive" interview. The best thing I have heard to come out of this whole incident was Mel saying that the first thing he thought of after he was arrested was Nick Nolte's mug shot!!!! Brilliant. Not worried about the ramifications of his arrest and behaviour, the effect it would have on his kids and his marriage, and never mind the effect his comments about the Jewish community would have. No, he was worried (read:hoping) he would have an infamous Nolte-esque pic to show the grandkids.

The rest of the program seemed to be about the latest aeroplane to make its way into a NYC building courtesy of one New York Yankee player. This of course prompted the ever tactful ET to give us a "greatest hits" of celebrities who have also nosedived to their deaths.
So over the next week we look forward to reminising about John Denver, JFK Jr., Buddy Holly etc etc.

But most disturbing of all, when perusing www.etonline.com , I discovered that Miss Tori Spelling is with child!!!!!! Is it even worth going there re her possible breastfeeding, or is it just way too frightening to contemplate? God I wish I hadn't just eaten.

Patience

Popjustice has a link to the new Take That single called Patience. Patience, Robbie will rejoin us soon? One can only hope, as, quite frankly, after seeing his latest concert on the box a few weeks back, he would've been better off jumping on that tour bus.
I'm somewhat intrigued to hear his new album in full now, given that this same website have declared it "the best thing he has ever ever done". That is a huge fucking call my friends. And if it be true then why the fuck has he released possibly the "worst thing he has ever ever done" as the first single, and furthermore named the whole album after it????

Westlife vs Delta (Soulwax remix)

According to todays' Herald Scum, not satisfied with recording with just one (albeit former) Westlife member "our" Delta has decided to do the whole group, and is recording Air Supply's All Out Love with them. Do these guys ever record originals?? Perhaps a more apt song title would be All Out of Ideas. For fucks sake.
And as if it couldn't possibly get any worse (or any more camp for that matter) the first single from this abortion of an album is a cover (surprise) of Bette Midler's The Rose!!! WTF??? I am very confused.

Chopped liver

A few days late on what's in this week's TV Week...i just couldn't be arsed writing anything.

This week's issue has a plethora of fabulously tacky things.
Let's begin with Andrew G making an appearance on Neighbours, as himself of course! With the endless jokes they write for Ned (Idol 04's Dan O'connor) to say about Idol (ie "Hey I like Idol") I can't wait to see what cheese they'll come up with for this one.
Speaking of Erinsborough I revealed last week that a former Ramsay St resident would be moving to Summer Bay. Well, it's in TV Week but with no mention of his previous address. Ben Geurens (aka Toby Mangel 2) is going to shag Martha. Sweet.

Whilst on Home and Away, a spoiler alert.....it would seem the person returning is none other than hot Detective Baker (surely a relation to Simon Baker, they are identical!), sans liver. In Thursday's synopsis (Oct 19) It says that "Peter is stunned to learn about Drew's relationship with Amanda." Brilliant!!!

According to original Big Brother contestant Peter Timbs, there will be a third series of Rock Star. And just when you think it can't get any better (read:worse) he tells us that he has "....heard whispers from LA that it will be an all-girl band and none other than Ms Courtney Love will be playing the Tommy Lee role." Interpret that last part as you will.

And finally, this week's "child star":
"We named our son Jesse, now seven, after Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from Full House. "

Personally I think it would be much cooler to name your kid after Bob Saget or Dave Coulier, but that's just me.

Australian Idol-disco week (aka more of Marcia whoring herself)

When is the promotion of Marcia Hines' new album going to end?

From worst to best

8.Lisa fucking Mitchell- this little poppet gets more and more annoying. If I hear one more time that "this isn't my thing, I need my guitar," I'm going to scream. And she keeps sayng that she wants to get to next week when I assume we get to see her in all her Casey Chambers glory...what happens after that when we're back to themes? Anyway, she murdered Heart of Glass, just awfyul

7. Just as appalling was the Irishman's version of everyone's favourite wedding/21st/bat mitzvah song, Celebration. I felt like I was pissed and it was St. Patrick's Day.

6. Chris, blah, same as always, he's like the love child of Barnesey and Jack Black.

5. Ricky, god what was I saying about him being a hetero Anthony Callea? He was so faggy tonight.

4. Lavina. Jesus fucking Christ! What the fuck was with that dress? Who told her to wear that? Is she pregnant? And the tits out again! I don't even know if it was a good performance or not as I was too distracted by the fucking hideous outfit.

3. Jessica. I wanna pinch her cheeks. She's always great, though this was once again pretty bland. Maybe cos she's sick or something, still better than the rest of the crap.

2.Dean. All the acrobatics, I wonder if he learnt that at Jesus camp. And was that chest hair stuck on? Best thing about his performance was the marriage proposal sign from Courtney Act!

1. Super Freak singing Bobby Flynn..... This was just great. I really like this guy.

Inuit fads?

How come Fags (as in the lollies) are now called fads, but Eskimo Pies (the ice-cream bars) aren't called Inuit Pies? I thought it was supposedly non pc to call anyone north of the arctic circle an eskimo.
I checked the dictionary and found that:

The name Inuit, by which the native people of the Arctic from northern Alaska to western Greenland call themselves, has largely supplanted Eskimo in Canada and is used officially by the Canadian government. Many Inuit consider Eskimo derogatory, in part because the word was, erroneously, long thought to mean literally “eater of raw meat.” Inuit has also come to be used in a wider sense, to name all people traditionally called Eskimo, regardless of local self-designations. Nonetheless, Eskimo continues in use in all parts of the world, especially in historical and archaeological contexts and in reference to the people as a cultural and linguistic unity.

Hmmm, so it's cool for those us that live far away enough from these "eaters of raw meat" to use the term behind their backs, but probably a bit of a faux pas anywhere north of say Seattle.

That's not all she's been riding

What the fuck????
The girl (girl being the operative word here) from Whale Rider is pregnant!!!! I know, isn't she like 9 years old or something?
Ok so she's 16, but her boyfriend is 19. I don't know what kind of choice laws they have over in NZ but isn't that statutory rape?

Yes I may be overreacting, but really, what the fuck???? Girfriend is not short of $$, can she not get a rubber, the pill...anything???

Joke

This week's popbitch joke, (these are always fabulously lame):

Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.He says into the microphone..."Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front pierces the silence... "Well, stop fucking clapping then."


Not so funny however, well, one that makes you laugh and go, god that's so wrong:
Q: What's the biggest cause of paedophilia?
A: Sexy kids.

Usless fact #5297

I found myself wondering this morning, "do bears actually eat honey?"
Winnie the Pooh does, and it's Humphrey B Bear's favourite fare.
So after further investigation, it would seem that 3 types of bears, namely, the Asiatic, the Sun and the Sloth all consume this bee cum, none of whom "bear" any resemblance to the 2 aforementioned hairy Marys.

"He lies on the beach and covers himself in Coke"

I'm always thrilled to see what MSN news is going to classify as "news" next. But today's choice headline could well be its best effort yet. "Andre's tanning secret is Diet Coke".

This declaration comes from Peter Andre's boobilicious wife Jordan. Funny, I thought the secret to his tan was his wog gene pool, my bad.

The best line of the whole article was without a doubt "He lies on the beach and covers himself in Coke" . I mean, the puns are endless, and quite frankly too fucking obvious.
The whole thing seems to be something to do with Jordan promoting her autobiography or lingerie line or something, and she has revealed something that, well, has kept me awake many a night wondering...her bra size is 34GG.

Sensational.

Found!

I found him! And by him I mean Billy Warlock!!! Hooray! And it would seem he wasn't really lost at all. He's been living back in Salem since 2005! Aka Days of our Lives. Phew.

Heil!





One of my all time favourite websites is http://jesusdressup.com which, as its name would suggest, allows you to play dress ups with JC.

And I always look forward to the festive time of the year when there are extra costumes to have fun with. What says Christmas more than the birthday boy himself, in a Santa suit hanging on the cross?

So, with Halloween a mere 4 weeks away, it's a free for all.

And in my travels I discovered what is possibly the best thing I have ever seen, Final Justice Jesus Dress Up!!!! (see above)

So.....very...wrong......

Celebrity Fat

God love VH1. Over in the US it's already season 4 of Celebrity Fit Club, and you know it's already a winner when it stars Tina Yothers. There's nothing i love more than a good before and after.

When looking at the "stars" for this season I thought one chick looked vaguely familiar...and alas realised it was none other than original Baywatch hottie/Playmate (sorry a tautology I know) Erika Elniak! Which begs the question, where on earth is Billy Warlock these days?

And despite having her stomach stapled in five million different places Carnie Wilson still can't stop eating.

Anyway, given I've never seen any of the previous 3 series it prompted me to look into what other fatties have tried to resurrect their careers in the most degrading manner imaginable.

Season 2 it seems was worth watching for only 2 reasons....Gary Busey and Wille "Buddy" Ames.

God I love american TV.

Mong, spaz, retard...

Oh dear, according to MSN news, it would seem Kyle Sandilands is, like, being sooo controversial again:

Outspoken Australian Idol judge and radio host Kyle Sandilands has caused a fresh outrage by describing a contestant on the talent show as a "mong".

His latest outburst has prompted an angry response from advocacy groups for disabled Australians and state and federal ministers for disability and community services.

I thought it was ok to make jokes about your own kind????

lovelight

What the fuck Robbie?!!! I just listened to Robbie Williams' new song, Lovelight ......holy shit.

I consider myself to be quite a devoted fan, but his latest offerings are utter crap. Whilst the aforementioned song is nowhere near as craptastic as Rudebox (dare i say his worst song...EVER) it very quickly lulled me into a coma.
Robbie, get the fuck out of L.A and get back on the drugs! ! Please!

Tonight's TV

Neighbours- What was with the whole Ned/Backstreet Boys thing??? The fan club card was brilliant. And finding out that Howie D and the boys are staying at Lassiters!!! Fabulous, if only there was a Pet Shop Boys esque cameo.
Are BSB even touring at the moment, seriously what the fuck was that storyline about anyway?

Idol- I just had this on in the background, but was horrified when i glanced at the Tv to see Marcia prancing about with some scary arse trannies singing Disco Inferno, a song I hear at least 10 times a day on Joy Fm.

What a year- I was quite excited about this show, even if Megan Gale is a co-host. I can't stand her, I don't know why, her horsey face just pisses me off. And i'm not sure what calendar she follows after she declared she spent the first 8 months of 1975 in her mum's belly and then popped out on August 7......apparently there is another month the rest of us are unaware of.
Anyway, I was over this show in about 5 minutes when i realised it was a complete rip off of channel 7's Where are they now?. The same fucking Tassie bridge collapse story with the same old couple and their bloody green monaro.

So NoTORIous- On as I type. Though it clashes with The Daily Show, I had to see for myself. I see why Candy was so pissed off. Not as funny as it's hyped up to be but a good late night no brainer.

Australian Idol: the year you were born

Jesus, this episode was almost as pants as last week, but not quite. I won't bother with a lengthy recap as it is best summarised here

Perhaps I'll list my ...er favourites....cos lists are always fun...if you're a sad cunt like me that is.

From worst to...least worst....?

9. Lisa Mitchell.- Fucking make her go away. Carpet munching Missy meets Casey Chambers, it's a nightmare. This whole cutesy crap is really grating too. A totally inappropriate song for a 16 year old girl. And don't even get me started on the horror that there are people who were born in the fucking 90s!!!!

8. Mutto- After the results show we all know that he has been given the arse...thank Christ. I didn't mind this performance too much but he lost major points for the gum chewing. What the fuck was that about? Like Oprah I find this a disgusting habit and applaud the Singapore government for their stance!!!

7. Chris Murphy- nowhere near as bad, or as fat for that matter as his obese sweaty brother Cuntney, but just too pub cover band for me. Blah.

6. Ricky Muscat- aka hetero Anthony Callea. Fuck this was just bad karaoke.

5.Dean- This was ok. I'm convinced he'll go the way of Millsy and only make the top 5. Others seem to think the Hillsong vote will take him all the way.

4. Bobby- God, I'm sure I'll get crucified for admitting that I don't mind this freak.

3. Jessica- She's cute, but this was a pretty bland performance.

2. Lavina- I want to hate her so much. There's always one every year, and by one I mean God loving, token islander, self proclaimed diva, and i usually despise them. But the sister of that she-male thing from last year's idol doesn't rub me the wrong way just yet. And her face certainly doesn't give me nightmares like the she-male's did. Girlfriend can sing, but much like Paulini she is boring as all fuck, but props to her for getting her big norks out, and for Andrew G telling Kyle that if "she wants to get her tatts out let her get her tatts out".

1. Damien- I'm ashamed to admit that I didn't mind this.


And can someone please tell me if James Mathison is officially out, or is he just one of those fags that everybody knows is gay but it's just not spken about- looking at you Anthony Callea, Ian Thorpe, Keanu Reeves etc etc

House of Carters

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vVOnnJZI4jI

Fucking gold!
When oh when is this going to screen on Australian TV? God, it's bad enough that the Hanson boys are all married and producing micro mini Hansons, but when did Aaron Carter become old enough to hook up with a Playmate his brother has already stuck it to?

I heart Mondays

Ahhh Mondays. I love Mondays. My very sad and embarrassing guilty pleasure arrives on newstands across the country-TV Week. There are so many things to love about this magazine I don't even know where to begin.
From the posters that usually feature the latest stud from Home and Away (another guilty pleasure.....the hot pieces of meat i have inapproriate crushes on from Summer Bay) to my favourite section where bogans name their kids after their favourite soap star and write in to embarrass themselves further. This week's "star letter" though could well be my favourite:

We thought our new border colie pup was as cute as Indiana Evans, so we named her Matilda, after Indiana's alter ego on Home And Away..." !!!!!!!!


All that aside though imagine my excitment at this weeks cover- "Home and Away-biggest twist ever" with pictures of Detective Baker -still alive?, Kirsty and Kane- giving themselves up?, Flynn- faked his death, Hayley (yes Bec Cartwright Hewitt Cawley)-back for Kim?

I love it! I don't know who is more exciting. Little pigs-arse-mouth-rapist-cum-good Kane, the hot detective, (never mind he gave his liver to Jack).
I'm not sure i want to deal with the whole Hayley thing, i think we were all glad to see the back of her.
And Flynn- given the writers' penchant for totally ripping off the storylines, almost word for word, from the Bold and the Beautiful, this option seems most likely, Sally Funbags' hubby will most likely come back in a Hunter Tylo style resurrection. It's fucking great.

My secret sources have also revealed to me that a former Ramsay Street resident (as in from waaaay back-will he be bringing his dog with him I wonder, and will his dad go with?) is moving into the bay. I believe this would make him only the third person, following Craig Mclachlan and Guy Pearce to make such a move...apologies if i have omitted anyone. Stay tuned.

And it looks like hottie Ric is finally gonna get it on with only-a-few-more-years- til-fhm Matilda. Thank god he got ditched by that all-forehead-no-tatas-solarium skank Cassie. Who the fuck would give up such a stallion like Ric for that cuntfaced wife beater Macca anyway?