Roo hearts Frank 4 eva

So I was watching Play School yesterday (as you do) and I knew that Justine Clarke (aka Roo Stewart, daughter of Summer Bay's Alf) had been a presenter for some time but imagine my delight at turing on the TV to find Alex Papps reading me a bedtime story!! Is this his first presenting gig since The Factory???? Surely.
But what was even more exciting was his co-host for the day was Justine, his former Home and Away girlfriend! How fucking sensational!
Maybe Jesse Spencer can get a job hosting with Brooke Satchwell.

Pamela is nice, I like very much

More on Pam v Kid Rock. It is being reported everywhere that the cause of their break up was Borat !!!! How in christ's name can a FICTIONAL person result in 2 people filing for divorce. I am yet to see the film but Pam is in it apparently.

In the hit movie Borat turns his trip to the US into a quest to marry Pamela.
Rock allegedly flew into a rage when he saw Borat's advances during a screening of the film. He started screaming at Pam, saying she had humiliated herself and telling her 'You're nothing but a whore! How could you do that movie?' in front of everybody. Pam thought he could have a sense of humour about the movie.
"She was in on the gag from the very beginning and loved doing the movie."

Er...is he for real? Get a fucking grip loser! IT'S A MOVIE!!!!

Everybody was kung fu fighting

Looks like Bruce Lee is going to be immortalised the Walt Disney way...no not at sub zero temperatures, but as a theme park! Some nutter is going to spend a ridiculous amount of money making "Bruce Lee Land."
Presumably rides will be named after his films...though riding 'Fist of Fury'.....ouch.

Train to Splitsville: full

It would seem anyone who is anyone is packing their bags, moving out of boring old Coupledom and heading straight to Splitsville. What the fuck is going on this year? Did someone assasinate cupid?

Let me see if I have this correct:
Whitney and Bobby
Reese and Ryan
Kate Hudson and whats-his-name-rocker-dude
Paul Mc Cartney and Heather gold digger Mills
Pammy and Kid Rock
Chris Rock and wife
Sheryl Crowe and Lance Armstrong
Britney and K Fed
Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora
Carmen Elektra and Dave Navarro
Ralph Fiennes and wife
David Hasselhoff wife
Matt LeBlanc and wife
Eminem and wife Kim (again)
Lance Bass and Reichen (or was it Chip...whatever)
Paris Hilton and ....
Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe
Victoria Principal and husband
Selma Blair and husband
Chad Michael Murray and Sophia Bush
Babyface and wife
Christie Brinkley and husband

and news just in, Hillary Duff and Joel Madden

And that's all just in the States. I think why much of this is surprising is because many of these couples had either been together for some time and/or seemed destined to actually last.

I can't even think who has broken up in the UK or here. Well there's Isabel Lucas and Chris Hemsworth.

Who else has gone bust this year?

Take THAT Robbie

I love it that we live in a world where boybands like Take That can come back 10 years on and score a number 1.
Catch them on Parkinson.

Brooke and Ridge round 329

holy fuck, Brooke and Ridge are back together AGAIN on Bold. It's been nearly 20 cunting years of the same storyline. And they actually had me sucked in with this Nick and Brooke marriage thing. I thought it was done. And how many times can Taylor be brought back from the dead. Anyway, this week in the States it would seem Ridge and 'Logan' are back on. *gag*
From the official CBS recap:

Ridge and Brooke talk about how in love they are and then they make love.

Kid and Pam over

I love me my daily trashy hollywood gossip, so imagine my delight upon hopping onto TMZ this morning to find that while I was sleeping it was all happening in Tinseltown.

Firstly, the news that Pammy and Kid Rock are over. And I thought their wedding (x4) meant they were sure to last.


Michael Richards (who it would seem is now being referred to as KKKramer) was on Rev Jesse Jackson's radio show, still claiming not to be a racist. Give it up dude, there is no amount of sorry that is gonna save your career. He is claiming to have anger issues.


More reports of Hollywood's newest besties, Britney and Paris partying. What I don't get in all of this is, who the fuck is looking after Brit's kids, one of whom is a newborn????? Just as disturbing is Britney calling Paris her 'role model':

According to Paris' rep, Elliott Mintz, the two are "really forming a bond" and they're "becoming like sisters." Mintz says that the 24-year-old Spears "looks up to" the 25-year-old Paris and that she's "extremely grateful" that Paris has taken her under her wing. Britney's new post-K-Fed look -- the barely-there skirts, the cleavage-baring tops -- has been "inspired" by Paris, says Mintz.


Perhaps my favourite piece of "how is this news" news was the picture of Dave Navarro stocking up on super size rubbers in LA. Is he still with Jenna Jamieson?


In other news closer to home, apparently 'our' Kylie will most definitely not be duetting with former boyfirend Jason Donovan, on her tour, as it's alleged she was heard having a good ol bitch about him over dinner in Sydney the other night.

The pop princess was caught out in a moment of candour when she attacked his role in the UK reality TV series I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, saying it was a case of: "I'm a celebrity, make me famous again".

Ouch. I'm inclined to think someone is talking out their arse re this comment but who the hell knows.

Please make them stop

This must be bullshit, surely! According to BANG showbiz, as if the idea of Tom Cruise serenading Joey Potter with a song from one of his movies (made incidently when she was 8 years old!) he now wants to record said track on a record the two of them are going to release!!!! No fucking way can this be for real.

"Tom's got a great voice. And he loves that song ever since his Top Gun character Maverick sang it to woo his love interest Kelly McGillis. Katie proved how talented she is musically when she performed in The Singing Detective remake."
TomKat has apparently been offered staggering sums to sign a record deal

Taco night

"There's something fishy about this," says Holden

Australian Idol grande finale

If nothing else the Oz Idol Opera house extravaganza is always good for a laugh. And at least this year we didn't have to listen to half the bloody top 100 perform.

I knew it was going to be a good night when James Mathson announced that Marcia would be performing with daughter Deni! Oh goody. I can't wait for Idol 2016 when Holden's kids are old enough to duet with him. Fabulous.

Anyway, following the most NQR red carpet I have ever seen (various Neighbours starlets, a splattering of Big Brother skanks and the remaining carcasses of Idol top 12's of years gone by...and Georgie Parker...???) it was concert time. Every top 2 contestant from the past 3 years performed, except for Fat Casey, who, it would seem has decided to forgo her bowling/snorkelling/golf and get back on the pies and fags.

Fucking Young Divas. They don't so much as perform together but more like they are still competeing on Idol, against each other. It's most bizarre. Has Paulini actually lost some weight? Girlfriend wasn't looking too bad, well from the neck down anyway. Emily Williams has gone blond and looks even more Thai lady boy than before. And what is with the singing over dat tape shit? Doesn't anyone sing live?
There was some abortion of farewells at the end of the song when they all screamed over the top of each other and I'm sure i heard Kate De Araugo shout something about eating a Big Mac.

Marcia and Deni....there are really no words to describe this, but apparently this crap is being released as a single. Oh the joy.

Solo performances by Callea, Sebastian and Noll, with the latter clearly having spent some time backstage with Marcia and her friend Charles.

When Jess and Paddy finally arrive, they do so on a bail of hay and with a bunch of ponies in some bizarre ode to Idol's venture into the outback...or something. I thought Jess looked gorgeous, until she stepped off the car and revealed a pair of fucking ridiculous pink leggings. Fucking styling team!!!

Once that whole meet and greet was done with, the most out of key horrific group performance followed, and once inside the Opera House it was the usual medley of crap that always begins and ends with a Farnsy song. This year was Age of Reason.

A side note, somewhere in all of this I saw an ad for American Idol...what the fuck?? That finished months ago in the States, we all know the grey haired dude won, what is the point of showing it??? I'm quite sure the new series doesn't start til January.

So the show goes on with yet more retrospectives and montages of the final 2. I was somewhat disturbed to hear Jess say that people often say to her "Stop smiling, stop being so happy all the time." Who the fuck tells someone to stop being happy? And to a child no less. Cunts.

I failed in my prediction. I saw the the whole thing going the way of Casey v Anthony. I thought Jess would win, release that god awful song (at least Damien's version is palatable) and Damien would go on to release that opera thang (aka the poor man's The Prayer. His single would go on to out sell her's and end up being sung at every fucking event for the next year. No doubt he will still belt it out at Carols in 4 weeks.

So in the end, yes, Paddy won and so ends another year of Idol.

Forbidden Fruit

Perhaps I am a little behind the times on this, but I just saw an ad for what can only be described as the most ridiculous idea for a celebrity endorsed fragrance; Desperate Housewives' Forbidden Fruit....the fuck?
What in crap's name goes into a bottle for that? Some ammonia, some baby poo, a drop of nail polish and a sprinkle of cinnamon?
I fucking hope this is not the beginning of a some kind of new smellavision esque fad. One can only hope CSI doesn't opt for this particular merchandise.

Oh my god

Aw my gawd, in a most apt, 'where-are-they-now' performance on the eve of the Idol grande finale, I just caught a glimpse of a blast from the past shinging the aushtralian anthem at the NBL All Shtar game. None other then the nodule queen hershelf, Coshima Devito.
Where the fuck has that bitch been anyway? Her webshite hasn't been updated since March 2005 and is still playing When the war is over.

Stone the flaming crows

Was I the only one that noticed the music playing at the Summer Bay surf club the other night on Home and Away during one of their crazy cool parties? It was Gerling's (featuring Kylie) G House project. Respekt...and stuff.

Adolf and Oprah

I thought I was going to be 2 for 2 today with guessing MSN Today's headlines. When that annoying little news thing opens when you log onto messenger there are usually about 4 headlines and if they are too long they don't fit and unless you click on the link you can only guess.

So earlier on today all that you could see was "Time for Germans to laugh at....." Immediately I thought Hitler??? And alas yes, apparently it is indeed time to have a chuckle at Adolf. In a nutshell some dude is making a non-serious nazi movie, cos you know, the Holocaust was like so funny, and stuff.

The film is a fictional story of a Jewish acting instructor named Professor Adolf Gruenbaum who in December 1944 is pulled out of a concentration camp to coach Hitler, who is lonely and despondent about the war, for a crucial New Year's speech.
Hitler is having a bad day. His stylist accidentally cut off half of his trademark moustache and he lost his voice screaming at her. He wets his pyjamas, has lost his confidence and suffers further humiliation by his failure in bed with Eva Braun.

Anyway, this afternoon's headline was way more disturbing and thankfully my guess proved to be wrong. "Jamie Durie enjoys Oprah's golden...." Please God let the next word be shower! No, apparently Ms Winfrey has the golden touch. My bad.

I feel the need.....

Best fucking thing I have read all day and the best thing yet in the whole TomKat "relationship", according to today's Herald Scum Tom Cruise serenade Katie Holmes at their wedding.....yes that's right, with You've lost that loving feeling, which he sang in Top Gun. I fucking love it. I can only hope that at some point during the evening he hopped behind the bar and dazzled the guests with his cocktail making skills.

Where will he stick his thorpedo now?

So a huge fucking surprise today, Ian Thorpe has retired from swimming. Whilst we were all hoping that his big announcement was finally going to be of the "coming out" nature, it was not to be. But maybe now he will fly open the doors of his closet and make his way to the next Kylie concert.
Must have been hard (pun intended) being around all those buff and waxed male competitors in the change rooms and not really being able to do anything about it.

From his press conference today:

"I'm looking at a next phase and ... swimming is not at the top of the list," Thorpe said at a media conference in Sydney. "As of 2.53 on Sunday afternoon I decided I would not be swimming the world championships." What happened at 2.53???? Use your imagination.


"I also made a very difficult decision that day that I am actually going to discontine my professional swimming career. I'd been working towards this decision for quite some time."

"I'm a 24-year-old, and I'm only just 24 as well." How fucking inciteful Ian, I am going to use that line at every birthday.

Worn down by the grind of training, (and no doubt other forms of sweet sweet man on man grinding) he took a year off after winning the 200 metres and 400m freestyle titles at the 2004 Athens Olympics and his comeback plans were thwarted by illness, injury and waning motivation. (ie. he just couldn't be fucked) He had a three-month sojourn in Los Angeles (read: San Francisco) this year in a bid to revitalise his swimming.

Thorpe said he had felt in peak physically fitness during his time in LA, (I'm sure he did) but also began to question his future in the sport. "One other thing happened in LA, (he got heaps of cock?) as I got physically fit, my mind also got fit, I started asking a lot of questions,'' (insert obvious sexuality question here)


"That begged another question: What would my life be without swimming? Oh Thorpy, the whole country can answer that for you. You would be out and proud, dancing topless to the entire Stock Aitken and Waterman back catalogue every weekend.

"It's been a security net for me. "But what it's meant is I haven't balanced out my life the way I should." Swimming = no cock

Thorpe was emotional, but composed as he faced a barrage of questions about his decision, and said he was determined not to have any regrets about his new priorities, which could include work as a television commentator. And no doubt a foray into some kind of better homes and backyard blitzing scenario. Though I think it's safe to say it will be something along the interior design line.

Fellow Olympian Giaan Rooney told Channel 9, "It will be a sad day if he hangs up his togs." Not so sad for the those lining Oxford Street next March, especially if you believe the old big feet, big wang thing.

Well Ian Thorpe, good luck to you. I really do hope that you now find the courage to come out and be the raving queen we all know you are.

Serenity Now

Well, it looks like Mel Gibson is no longer a racist...well in comparison to Michael "Kramer" Richards' latest outburst .

Richards appeared onstage at the Laugh Factory in West Hollywood. Kyle Doss, an African-American, told TMZ he and some friends were in the cheap seats and he was playfully heckling Richards when suddenly, the comedian lost it.

"Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a f***ing fork up your ass." Richards continued, "You can talk, you can talk, you're brave now motherf**ker. Throw his ass out. He's a nigger! He's a nigger! He's a nigger! A nigger, look, there's a nigger!"

"They're going to arrest me for calling a black man a nigger."

Nothing can divide them

Yes more news on Jason Donovan, I can't help myself. According to today's Herald Scum, Jason has a new best friend from his reality TV stint...Liza Minelli's ex David Gest.....there are no words.

Donovan has been singing all the time and has struck up a friendship with David Gest, Liza Minelli's ex-husband.
Peter Andre had a No.1 hit in Britain after appearing on this show two years ago -- will the same happen for Jason?

God I fucking hope so.

Smells like drag queen

So I copped a wiff of "our" Kylie's new perfume Darling and well, it smelt like drag queen to me. It was feminine I guess but in all the wrong ways. It was like I was backstage somewhere, at a cabaret perhaps, and the air filled with perfume, stale cigarettes and amyl.

In light of this I was disturbed to read that beau Olivier Martinez is rather fond of such aromas.

"I did ask my boyfriend as we were testing the fragrance – he likes it," said Minogue.....

Pop round up

Oh god, so many things have happened in the world of pop culture over the past week or 2 I don't know where to begin.

-The circus that was the Cruise wedding is finally over, (sans Oprah) thank fuck. And inviting Brooke Shields?? I'm so confused. I know there was an apology but please.

-Australian Idol is almost finished with the grande finale featuring the who's who in the world of, well, Channel 10 congregating at the Opera House this Sunday to see a young Aboriginal girl do battle with an Irish settler....hmmm....deja vu, from like 200+ years ago...anyway.

-Poor poppet Belinda Emmett lost her battle with cancer. Bless her. I think we all thought she was just going to go on forever.

-There has been Borat global fever, well perhaps everywhere but Kazakhstan....and most of the former Soviet block.

-The most anticipated fiction (?) relase of the year by new author OJ Simpson in the best hypothetical ever, detailing, hypothetcially of course, how he "would have" killed his wife...which of course he didn't, with his publisher labelling the book "his confession"!! Fabulous. Pity it's too fucking late now, god damn double jeopardy.

-Bec Cartwright Holmes a Court Hewitt made her return to TV for the biggest piece of crap TV ever Abbamania, which apparently was a huge deal. Man she has lost a lot of weight, and it certainly looks like baby Mia has sucked the life out of her norks...though I must admit I can't recall her ever having a huge rack...but still.

-News just in, Jason Donovan's time in the wild on I'm a celbrity get me outta here has seen him gettin some action with a cockroach.

ACTOR Jason Donovan had to visit medics after a cockroach disappeared down his pants during a reality TV show.The creature had to be removed by a doctor using a pair of tweezers.

Dear Lord, all I can think of in a situation like this is Richard Gere....

Movie of the year

The most anticipated movie release of 2006 looks like it will be of the homemade variety.
K-Fed (or Fed-ex as he is now known as) and Brits have joined the likes of Pam and Tommy, Paris Hilton, and Debbie Byrne in capturing moments the rest of us really don't need to see. And unless Britney gives Fed-ex the kids, that film will be out by Christmas.
No way those kids are gonna be mentally fucked for life. Being traded for porn at such a young age, great parenting there.

Desperate and Bootylicious

What the fuck is with all the lippy lezzie movies in production?!! First Lindsay and Keira and now Eva Longoria and Beyonce are going to be having a slice of hair pie in Tipping the Velvet.

Beyonce and Eva are said to be incredibly excited about the steamy love scenes and can't wait for filming on the project to start

Giddy up!

You know we belong together.....

Speaking of Jason this is by far his best performance ever!!!!

Jason's still a celebrity!!!

This news is a week old but I haven't really been online...basically i couldn't be fucked.
Anyway, looks like Kylie's one true love Jason Donovan is starring on UK reality show, I'm a celebrity get me outta here. Yes the one and only, the very reason Peter Andre and Jordan are together.

God I love him, Jason that is, not Peter Andre. The rest of the cast is a bit lost on me, and it all seems a bit Celebrity Survivor (ie shit), but oh well, as long as Jason is back on TV.

NOOOOOO!

In what can only be descibed as the most upsetting piece of breakup news since, well Whitney and Bobby announced their split, Britney and K-Fed are OVER!!
But they seemed, like, so stable and solid...and stuff. I just can't believe it. My day is now ruined.

Idol-Audience choice

Ina nutshell, Paddy kicked arse, Jessica was great but not fantastic and Dean and Chris sucked balls.

From worst to best:

8. Dean singing some fucking Christian rock crap. Aside from the Jesus lovers out there his main fanbase wouldn't have had a fucking clue what this was.

7. Chris. Sadly I agree with Holden, none of these contestants should ever try and do Robbie. And what fucktard chose Something Beautiful, a song that is a pisstake of the whole Idol concept! I'm also getting sick of his Tourette's style head flick. Enough!

6. Chris doing Crowded House. Some horny old haggis picked a cliche pub cover band song to further pigeon hole him. Whatever.

5. Dean.... fucking Nickelback.

4. Jessica doing Butterfly. Luckily for her she can sing but she looked like she didn't know the song at all.

3. Jessica- Alisha Keys. Thank god a fag picked her second song. Much better

2. Paddy, Hallelujah. Brilliant

1. Paddy, Roy Orbison, Crying, again brilliant.

Paddy was the only one who was helped by tonight's theme.

Hopefully Dean or Chris will go. Chris would be good, Dean's too pretty.

Moonshine

So yesterday was the Z grade celebrity wedding of the year. Old Moon Face's daughter Lauren married swimmer Matt Welsh. Maybe now she will chop off that ghastly horse's mane.
Not only did they marry on the same date and at the same place as Bert and Patti, but in one of the most frightening bridal photos I have ever seen she looks exactly like her mother.

It was interesting that the Herald Scum referred to the guest list as a "who's who" of celebrity, when in reality it was more of just a "who?" if you ask me.

Rhonda Burchmore, Sue McIntosh, Bruce Mansfield and Philip Brady, Channel 9 voice Pete Smith, Sam Newman and David Johnston were at St Dominic's, Camberwell, for the wedding.
Michael Klim and wife Lindy, Ann Peacock, Jennifer Hansen and Jemma Gawned rushed across town from Derby Day at Flemington. And Matthew and Lisa Lloyd, Peter and Lisa Fox, Brooke Hanson and fiance Jared Clarke and Matt Hetherington and fiancee Melissa Kotsos made it, too.

Where the hell was Moira???

Sorry mate.

Oh Rusty. In an attempt at bagging out the US legal system Russell Crowe has in effect made the Australian legal system look like a big fucking joke. (which of course it is, but that's another issue). The infamous phone throwing incident of 2005, otherwise known as assault, would apparently have just been seen as crazy larrikin behaviour downunder.

"Where I come from, a confrontation as basic and simple as that would have been satisfied with a handshake and an apology,"

Sure, I know if someone threw something at my head, sorry would most certainly suffice. Something a little more serious like maybe being shot at would perhaps warrant a beverage of some sort, but throwing around silly words like assault or attempted murder....well that's just some hype the yanks enjoy isn't it.

A baby won't fit in here

According to Dr. Milla Jovovich, only fat chicks can fall pregnant. And given that she is not (a fat chick) she will not be with child anytime soon. (Someone better tell all those emaciated crack whores who manage to get knocked up by their pimps)

"I’d love to have a baby. I think the only reason I haven’t conceived is because of my active lifestyle.

"My body won’t allow itself to get pregnant now because it knows it wouldn’t be in a healthy environment."

Fabulous Milla! Who needs contraception then? As long as you are crazy busy and really thin, you can fuck to your heart's content without worrying about conceiving. All the 16 year olds slappers must be thrilled!!!

And to all you naysayers who believe IVF and/or apdoption are the only other options when it comes to "alleged" infertility, Dr Jovovich has the answer:

"I need to take a year off, sit down, watch some movies and eat some yummy food. And then, boom! It will happen. Give me a few months off at home, let me relax and suddenly I’m healthier and I gain 10 pounds."

In short, as long as you stay active and skinny you can't get pregnant, but if you slip up and find yourself on the couch with a tub of icecream and a DVD.....start knitting some booties!

From Paisley Park to Rio

If I hadn't headed immediately to an official Rio Casino website I would not have believed it.
The artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince, (aka Prince) is trading in his purple suit for a white jumpsuit (cape included) and moving to Las Vegas! Un-fucking-real! Every Friday and Saturday night you can party like it's 1999 for about $130US! Expensive yes, but anyone who has seen this midget live will know it is money well spent.

I wonder if this is part of his Mormon duties. It is common knowldege that he frequently doorknocks in Minnesota, preaching whatever the fuck it is Mormons preach. Personally I would only answer the door to him if I knew he would begin his sermon with "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life....."

How fucking fabulous to be sent on a religious mission to Sin City! Imagine hoovering a line off some hooker's tatas in a penthouse suite of a casino and Prince knocks on your door for a chat about the Lord.

Motherfuckin meerkats!

The wildlife version of Big Brother, Meerkat Manor is to become a feature film! And steering this crazy ship is Harvey Weinstein. One can only hope and pray that he calls upon his old Pulp Fiction buddy Samuel L Jackson to narrate.

Heil Johnny!

Meanwhile in other TV sackings, in a completely non political move
The Glass House has been given the arse by the ABC.

THE ABC last night axed television comedy show The Glass House, which has been at the centre of a storm over allegations of anti-Howard Government bias.

The ABC gave no explanation for the decision apart from telling the cast and crew yesterday that not all shows could be renewed.

Anderson, Hughes and Grant regularly make jokes about John Howard and US President George W. Bush, provoking critics to accuse them of bias.

The decision to axe The Glass House came despite the show achieving its highest ratings since it first went to air in 2001 -- with average audiences of 728,000.

Isn't living in a virtual dictatorship fun!!! :)

Job vacancy: Tv host

With Thanksgiving fast approaching Video Hits' Axle Whitehead decided to bring the meat out early in the second turkey slap of 2006 brought to us proudly by Channel 10. Granted the current recipient was an ARIA trophy, but it has sparked outrage nonetheless.

Anyway, breaking news, Axle has "resigned" .

"I can't take back what I did, but I can take responsibility for it," Whitehead said in a statement released by the network.

Yeah I'm sure it was his decision.

Lady Vicky

It would seem that Posh Spice, Victoria Beckham is set to become a Lady . Word is that hubby David is soon to be knighted (Sir David Beckham??).
What is brilliant about Vicky's prospective new title is that she sees it more like a fabulous new fashion accessory than the pompous royal tradition that it is,

"I'd love that, that would be quite fabulous. It's just so camp. It's wonderful isn't it, Lady Victoria. Something like that goes in the paper and you think... that would be quite amazing."

Bless her.