Where will he stick his thorpedo now?

So a huge fucking surprise today, Ian Thorpe has retired from swimming. Whilst we were all hoping that his big announcement was finally going to be of the "coming out" nature, it was not to be. But maybe now he will fly open the doors of his closet and make his way to the next Kylie concert.
Must have been hard (pun intended) being around all those buff and waxed male competitors in the change rooms and not really being able to do anything about it.

From his press conference today:

"I'm looking at a next phase and ... swimming is not at the top of the list," Thorpe said at a media conference in Sydney. "As of 2.53 on Sunday afternoon I decided I would not be swimming the world championships." What happened at 2.53???? Use your imagination.


"I also made a very difficult decision that day that I am actually going to discontine my professional swimming career. I'd been working towards this decision for quite some time."

"I'm a 24-year-old, and I'm only just 24 as well." How fucking inciteful Ian, I am going to use that line at every birthday.

Worn down by the grind of training, (and no doubt other forms of sweet sweet man on man grinding) he took a year off after winning the 200 metres and 400m freestyle titles at the 2004 Athens Olympics and his comeback plans were thwarted by illness, injury and waning motivation. (ie. he just couldn't be fucked) He had a three-month sojourn in Los Angeles (read: San Francisco) this year in a bid to revitalise his swimming.

Thorpe said he had felt in peak physically fitness during his time in LA, (I'm sure he did) but also began to question his future in the sport. "One other thing happened in LA, (he got heaps of cock?) as I got physically fit, my mind also got fit, I started asking a lot of questions,'' (insert obvious sexuality question here)


"That begged another question: What would my life be without swimming? Oh Thorpy, the whole country can answer that for you. You would be out and proud, dancing topless to the entire Stock Aitken and Waterman back catalogue every weekend.

"It's been a security net for me. "But what it's meant is I haven't balanced out my life the way I should." Swimming = no cock

Thorpe was emotional, but composed as he faced a barrage of questions about his decision, and said he was determined not to have any regrets about his new priorities, which could include work as a television commentator. And no doubt a foray into some kind of better homes and backyard blitzing scenario. Though I think it's safe to say it will be something along the interior design line.

Fellow Olympian Giaan Rooney told Channel 9, "It will be a sad day if he hangs up his togs." Not so sad for the those lining Oxford Street next March, especially if you believe the old big feet, big wang thing.

Well Ian Thorpe, good luck to you. I really do hope that you now find the courage to come out and be the raving queen we all know you are.